ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
