I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
