Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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