Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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