come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
