Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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