I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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