Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
