Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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