How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
