I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
