if you like me you must not know who I am
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
