help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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