i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
