either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
