loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
