Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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