We won't sleep together?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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