If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
