take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
