I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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