everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
the liver wants what the liver wants
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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