i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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