Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
