Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize