Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
