You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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