I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
All the doctor said was why
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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