this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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