Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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