I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Randomize
