i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
