the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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