I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
