I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
