Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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