I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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