I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
someone owes me an orgasm
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
