don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
