I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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