I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
