If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
