So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
