Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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