dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
