I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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