You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
