Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
