he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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