I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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