I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
