so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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