I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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