I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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